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Long John

Hell Raiser *4 John Daly

John Daly

John Patrick Daly (born April 28, 1966) is an American professional golfer on the PGA Tour. Daly is known primarily for his driving distance off the tee (earning him the nickname “Long John”), his non-country club appearance and attitude, and his hectic personal life. His two greatest golfing accomplishments are his “zero to hero” victory in the 1991 PGA Championship, and his playoff victory over Costantino Rocca in the 1995 Open Championship.

John Daly, the larger than life golf pro, had many addictions. Addicted to fast food, addicted to alcohol, addicted to the cigarettes and addicted to gambling. The fact he managed to win two Golfing majors is a quirk of his sport. How a man carrying a heavy weight, who rarely put in as much practice hours as a you would expect a pro to do, maybe partying all night but could still be a golf professional for the good of 10 years making millions in the bargain, is simply amazing. Putting it simply he didn’t look a golf pro. But he was loved. He was a guy who simply had many problems: gambling debts, four marriage breakups, weight issues, alcohol binges. He had the problems that many people have, and that we can relate to. Usually sports people are perfect; ideal weight, limitless effort to perform at the highest level, millions upon millions in the bank, the perfect life. Here was a guy who was on our TV playing at top sporting events, who looked rough. We liked that, this was a guy who we could understand and appreciate. Unlike the robotic Tiger Woods with the personality of a gnat, Daly always had a huge and cult like following. Though Daly hasn’t won a PGA Tour event since the 2004 Buick Invitational, he remains one of the game’s longest hitters and most popular players. That is why even today he still gets the odd invitational since his name can swell attendances. He also has his own clothing range, book and TV show, all popular with the public.

His first major victory is legendary. In his rookie year on the PGA circuit, he managed to win the PGA championship in 1991. He was lucky enough even to be invited as he was the ninth and final alternate for the championship with Nick Price dropping out and the other eight alternates not able to make it in time. Not enough time to play a first round practice session he power played himself into the lead on the difficult Crooked Stick course. He eventually won the tournament, giving him a three-stroke victory over Lietzke. Daly was subsequently named PGA Tour Rookie of the Year. He was also the first rookie to win a major title since Pate won the U.S. Open in 1976. History was made and the legendary stories of “Long John Daly” were born. He had arrived sleeping in the backseat of a friend’s car, probably hung over, just expecting to have a decent outing, enough to avoid going back to qualifying school. Instead he won, and won big. The winner’s cheque of $230,000 was more money than he had ever seen before, and the resulting sponsorship and endorsement deals poured in. From that point on-wards, Daly became one of the most popular players on Tour, building a loyal fan base. He also went on to win the British open in 1995, unexpectedly, after a playoff with Costantino Rocca at St Andrews.

Thing for Daly, though, was that this success highlighted to the public his inner demons and made his addictions and hectic life on show to the whole golf, and sporting, world.

His gambling: According to himself, Daly claims to have lost between US$50 and $60 million over 15 years of heavy gambling. This includes losing $1.5 million in about 5 hours of gambling on the slot machines in October 2005, after winning half that amount at the WGC-American Express tournament, most of it lost on a $5,000 Las Vegas slot machine.

Proof he had a serious addiction was what he said about this incident, “here’s how my sick mind analyzed the situation,” Daly wrote. “My sponsorship payments would be coming through in January, so I’d be able to pay everything off and get back to even by the beginning of the New Year. Everything’s fine. Everything’s OK. No problem. Hell, yes, there’s a problem.”

His weight: A man with a heavy gait, probably due to all the boozing, his weight was always on issue for Daly. He eventually decided to undergo extreme actions in 2009 by doing some lap band surgery to lose over 90 pounds Initially this improved his game, second in the Italian open, but some observers have suggested that this weight loss in fact made him lose some of his power in his swing, his power game. But then the health benefits override that, and he is looking a lot better and happier these days.

John Daly

Married life

His marriages: He married four times, Daly was even charged with third-degree assault for throwing his second wife Bettye into a wall at their home near Denver. Of course the most famous incident is when one of the wives’ attacked him with a steak knife. He showed up for his second round of golf the next day with cuts and scrapes across his face. Authorities were contacted by him and came to his house, but his wife had already fled the scene and taken their children with her.  According to Daly, he was awakened by his wife attacking him with a steak knife and shouting, “I will kill you.” Still, though, he made the cut on the golf course, typical Daly tenacity.

Of course, he wasn’t famous for his loyalty and fidelity to his women, often appearing drunk with topless women living the life.  Also he had a short fuse as his wife Sherrie Daly mentioned the time John drank a little too much and came home to find that a decorator had painted his house’s walls the wrong colour. “He just came in front of me, his own mother, my sister-in-law, and just started peeing all over the walls.”

His alcohol problems: Now I know the 19th green in Golf is the best hole I can think of playing, but very few, if any other golfers, apart from John Daly, are known for their boozing. It really is such a boring and soulless sport. A big difference between country club to professional, another reason perhaps for Daly’s popularity?

In March 2008, Daly’s swing coach Butch Harmon quit, saying that “the most important thing in his life is getting drunk.” John Daly has rebutted this, in words though, because his actions might tend to suggest he did like to drink a good bit and have a fine time. He once said he drank a shot of JD everyday at 23, was booted off a British Airways flight for harassing a flight attendant while being drunk,, trashed the odd hotel room, teeing off on a can of beer in a pro am as ones does, and at the ’98 Greater Vancouver Open Daly was visibly seen shaking as he tried to play golf obviously suffering from the shakes (we all have experienced this but maybe not on live TV!)

john daly mugshot

Mug shot

Then there is the famous mug shot when in October 26, 2008, Daly was taken into police custody by Winston-Salem police after being found drunk and a passed out outside a Hooters restaurant. Daly was not arrested or charged with anything. However, the police released his mug shot to the media which resulted in massive negative publicity and a dressing down from the golfing authorities who fined him $10,000. Don’t think it upset his fans too much to be honest.

When Daly missed the cut, instead of going home, or returning to the practice green early the next day, he would go to the bar and hangout with fans, and models,  signing autographs and getting his photo taken.. One could argue if this is why he didn’t seem too bothered not lasting into the latter stages of many a golfing competition. This wasn’t a world you would see Tiger Woods or the “character” Ian Poulter anytime, ever!

So what did all these shenanigans do for his golfing game?  Apart from a tendency to throw his clubs into lakes and pin his balls all over the place, and citations from the authorities for non trying a record 21 times he, all in all, managed to build a decent golfing career, had decent sponsorship deals, won two majors, and earned enough to live comfortably –if he didn’t squander it all in the casinos. But he doesn’t have the longevity that many golfers do; he now isn’t ranked in the top moneys list so Daly must now depend heavily on sponsor invitations. As far as individual tournaments are concerned, Daly is exempt for life in the PGA Championship and AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, and up to age 60 in the British Open.

Daly still continues on-wards but his best days are long gone. But he will be forever remembered as the guy who made golf that little bit interesting, and gave hope to all those amateur golfers in that if a guy clearly overweight, nursing a hangover, smoking as he goes around the course can win majors, then there’s hope for  the rest of us

John Daly we salute you.

Some of his most famous quotes

“I learned you can’t drink whiskey and play golf.”

“I was never able to have three of four beers. One’s too many, and ten just ain’t enough. Basically it’s the way I’ve been since high school.”

“Everyone has addictions and my problem is that I have 5,000 of them. If it’s not drinking, it’s gambling; if it’s not gambling, it’s eating anything from burgers, doughnuts to M&Ms. The only addiction I don’t suffer from is chasing women.”

“Everybody goes through divorces. There are millions of people that have drinking problems. There are people that their weight goes up and down, just like mine. It’s just life. And I think people relate to that. I really do.”

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Necking Craze, the drinking game gone viral online,

Necking Craze

Neknomination Craze

The neknomination craze represents the latest drinking game trend among the youth, leading to several fatalities in the UK and Ireland. This game, which originated in Perth, Australia, has spread globally thanks to social media.

How the Neknomination Craze Works

Participants in the neknomination craze drink their beverage, then nominate two others online to follow within 24 hours. The cycle continues with additional stunts, all filmed and shared on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Strong peer pressure drives this trend, and those who refuse face online ridicule and shame.

Read more about the dangers of Neknomination here.

The Risks of the Neknomination Craze

The neknomination craze has quickly escalated into dangerous stunts. While drinking games and showing off have always been popular, the competitive nature of this game pushes participants to perform increasingly extreme and risky acts. The introduction of bizarre substances into drinks and the performance of dangerous stunts highlight the alarming nature of this trend.

Neknomination Craze, the drinking game gone viral online,

The Lads

For instance, one viral video shows a man pouring beer into a toilet, then being lowered head-first into the bowl to lap it up. Another disturbing video features two men in Cornwall who catch rabbits, kill them, and eat their livers with cider. Such extreme behavior raises serious questions.

Reflecting on the Neknomination Craze

Taking a step back from the neknomination craze is crucial. Remember, online actions are recorded forever, and what seems amusing now may not be in the future.

Though this site celebrates drinking and revelry, I must avoid hypocrisy. Had I been younger, I might have tried similar antics. Peer pressure and media influence make resisting trends more difficult for today’s youth. So, is the real issue the peer pressure and internet rather than alcohol itself?

Social Media’s Role in the Neknomination Craze

Should platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube ban dangerous nominations? They should act more responsibly, considering some benign content gets banned while harmful videos persist.

The internet amplifies the madness, encouraging extreme content. As we look forward to the next craze, it’s reassuring that social media didn’t exist during my youth!

Check out a compilation of the neknomination craze online:

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Winston Churchill. British PM extraordinaire

Hell Raiser *3 Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill

Prime Minister, Great War leader, Nobel Prize winner, painter, army officer, rhetorician and ace speech maker, I give you the one and only Winston Churchill. Not bad for a guy who was near permanent sizzled on the sauce, on a diet of champagne, cognac, whisky, claret, and port. Where do we begin with this man, his drinking yarns are legendary and so much is written about his drinking tales.

Let’s have a look at some of these stories

winston churchill

Winston

Churchill, aged 25, was sent to cover the Boer war, for the newspaper the Morning Post. Not quite knowing how he would survive so far away from home, he did the obvious thing and brought with him some supplies, 36 bottles of wine, 18 bottles of scotch, and 6 bottles of vintage brandy. Its not quite clear what he was expecting!

While serving in India for the military, he frequently had to add whiskey to his drinking water. This was a way to prevent disease. “The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable we had to add whisky. By diligent effort, I learnt to like it”. Which was a valid enough reason to be fair.

As Prime Minister, Churchill didn’t slow down. Churchill admitted he relied on alcohol.

He always had a glass of whiskey by him, starting the day with a “Papa Cocktail” – a hint of Johnnie Walker to be topped up with water throughout the day, and he drank brandy and champagne both at lunchtime and dinner, not forgetting his love of big ass cigars.

But the thing with all this was that Winston Churchill was still able to go about his business as leader of Great Britain and a lifetime as a leading politician. He never appeared to be too drunk, at least not in the public eye. That was the most remarkable thing about Churchill: he always seemed not that bad. How did he do it? Could it be that he liked his food and that he did seem to involve drink in and around his meal times, food good for absorbing the alcohol content?

Funnily enough Churchill hated people who appeared drunk, it was unsightly. Raised as an aristocrat, he believed drunkenness to be contemptible and disgusting, and a fault in which no gentleman indulged. “I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk,” Churchill once wrote, and he was rarely seen to be so. But one could argue, if he was using an ounce of sarcasm here, he did like to joke after all.

When questioned on his drinking, he always had a witty retort. Here is a few of his most famous quotes and retorts:

Lady Astor once told him that if she were married to him she would put poison in his coffee. To which Churchill replied, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

When Bessie Braddock accused him of being drunk in Parliament, saying, “Winston, you are drunk! You are disgustingly drunk!” the great man replied, “Madam, you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.”

While visiting King Ibn Saud of Saudi Arabia, Winston was informed he could neither smoke nor drink. It was for religious reasons, during a banquet thrown in his honour. Winston wasn’t having any of this malarkey. He informed the monarch that, “My religion prescribed as an absolute sacred ritual smoking cigars and drinking alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and the intervals between them.”

Winston Churchill serial boozer

Winston Churchill

Supposedly, in 1936, Winston won a bet with Rothermere, that he would be able to keep from consuming hard liquor for an entire year. This is a bet which he won. Yet, immediately following the conclusion of that year, he went right back to drinking.

“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” Churchill, his attitude on his alcohol intake.

“Hot baths, cold champagne, new peas and old brandy”, the four essentials of life according to the great man.

Telling the butler at the Whitehouse to be prepared, “I must have a tumbler of sherry in my room before breakfast, a couple of glasses of scotch and soda before lunch, and Champagne and 90-year-old brandies before I go to sleep at night.”

“When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast”

Bernard Montgomery the WWII British general, and all round cunt, who of course never touched a drop of alcohol, once “I  neither drink nor smoke and am a hundred per cent fit.” Churchill on hearing this was heard saying I drink and smoke and I am two hundred per cent fit.” And he did live to a good ripe age of 90!

We salute you Winston Churchill. You have shown to us drinkers that we too can drink and achieve so much if we put our minds to it, or maybe not!

Winston Churchill and cigar

Iconic cigar photo

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Dean Martin, The King of Cool

Hell Raiser *2 Dean Martin

Dean Martin, The King of Cool, was born Dino Crocetti, the son of an Italian immigrant barber in Ohio, the great star of the big screen, TV, comedy and the music clubs of Las Vegas. He had boundless charisma, oozed sex appeal, always extremely self assured, and was a top talent. He was the man and also was as famous for his views on drinking as he was for his singing, dated a Miss World and was one of the members of the infamous Rat Pack.

The legendary crooner belted out such classic tunes as “That’s Amore”, “Everybody loved somebody”, “Volare”, amongst many other top hits. Martin’s relaxed easy going style was endearing and extremely popular. You just could not like Dean Martin.
Leaving school at a young age, he started delivering bootleg liquor, was a croupier in a speakeasy during the time of prohibition, worked in a steel mill, and became a boxer at the age of 15. Along the way he started to sing with local bands, and got work with the Ernie McKay Orchestra.

Teaming up with comic Jerry Lewis got him his big break. After a rocky start they both eventually honed their skills into a well received comedy/music act duo. This success led to a series of well-paying engagements. The act consisted of Lewis interrupting and heckling Martin while he was trying to sing. They eventually made it onto American TV screens with movies to follow. This made both of them extremely wealthy but they eventually fell out and Dean Martin went it alone, and for a long time ruled the Strip for decades with his swinging nightclub act.

Dean Martin, The King of Cool

The Rat Pack

As Martin’s solo career grew, he and Frank Sinatra became friends. In the late 1950s and early 1960s, Martin and Sinatra, along with friends Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, and Sammy Davis, Jr. formed The Rat Pack. The men made films together, formed part of the Hollywood social scene, and were politically influential, on friendly terms with the great JFK. Their shows were legendary, lot of singing, improvisations and boozing. The Rat Pack epitomised coolness. Ocean 11, or whatever you call that nonsense, is a pale shadow on these legends, Brad Pitt and George Clooney, you kidding me!
In 1965, Martin launched a new TV show, The Dean Martin Show. Martin played up his notorious image as a half-drunk crooner, that liked hitting on women, and making off the cuff slurred remarks about fellow celebrities. The TV show was a huge success and was often a ratings winner.

A few of his funnies –
In 1967 Dean Martin got to share his hamburger recipe in The Celebrity Cookbook. The recipe was
• 1 pound hamburger’
• 2 oz. bourbon in a chilled glass
Preheat a heavy frying pan and sprinkle bottom lightly with salt. Mix meat handling lightly, just enough to form into four patties. Grill over medium-high heat about four minutes on each side. Pour chilled bourbon in a chilled shot glass and serve meat and bourbon on a TV Tray.

Frank Sinatra later made his own version and this was his way to make a hamburger.
1. Call for Deano.
2. Tell him to make you a fuckin’ burger.
3. Drink his bourbon.
‘You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.’

Dean Martin, The King of Cool

DRUNKY

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” (also attributed to J Lemmon and F Sinatra)

“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt”

His license plate was “DRUNKY”

Unfortunately Dean Martin died of acute respiratory failure at his Beverly Hills home on Christmas morning 1995, at age 78. The lights of the Las Vegas Strip were dimmed in his honour, and he is buried in Los Angeles.

We salute you Dean Martin, smooth and straight.

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Football and beer, the perfect match

Football and Beer

Football and Beer

Beer gives the buzz, and the game seals the deal.

Beer and Football

Beer n Football

Saw a t-shirt the other day that said “football, beer and women”. Are you crazy? Why ruin it by bringing a woman along. Let her off to the shops or whatever, but football and beer is only a time for male bonding. Can worry about women later, much later. ….

Now when I say football I mean association football and not that rubbish that the yanks play that goes on for hours and is played around kentuckfuckingchicken advertisements. The one that over 90% of the world plays, the one with a World Cup, you know, real football!

So where there is football there is beer, like night follows day, football fans drink beer, and lots of it.

Why is it so? Well I guess football as a sport that risen up from the working classes. From the bottom, where working men played the game, hard drinking men who liked to drink in real pubs drinking real drink. Working class areas in any city in the world have football teams. They don’t play rugby or cricket, or tennis or golf, its football.  People in these places tend to drink beer. Wine is too posh, and sipping fancy cocktails is hardly going to endure yourself to your mates.

Anyway this football and beer malarkey is a dream for beer companies in the advertisement wars. Heineken sponsor the Champions League, Carlsberg the last Euros, while Budweiser sponsored the last world cup. Carling was a sponsor of the English premier, and we also have the Budweiser FA Cup, and a huge number of teams are sponsored by beer companies. Tell me the last time a Wine was sponsored on a football shirt? During a big football game expect a huge hike in the amount of beer sold. Can you imagine how many beers people drank last summer for the World Cup in Brazil?

Beer gives the buzz, and the game seals the deal. Win, lose or draw, back to the pub for the pints to regurgitate the game, and dish the centre forward for missing what your granny could score or some shite like that.

There are generally three types of football fan. The fanatic, the guy who knows everything about his team, all the stats going back years, he has a long log of games he has seen live, and knows the pubs to drink in when near any ground you care to mention. The man who lives and breathes football. Then there is the normal fan,  the guy who can take it and leave it, whose life isn’t totally controlled by football. And the final fan is the flirt (the glory hunter), who just likes to go along with all the fun and be part of something big, the largest group.

I have seen guys who have travelled long distances to only have the drink and the fun outside the stadium. Fellas who have travelled just for the beer, the banter, and if they so wish for, a punch up.

Beer and Football

Beer n Football

(So its world cup year and I will be off the radar for the whole months of June and July, more or less two whole months of football, TV, beer and having a good time. Too early to predict who will win, Germany, Brazil (and a dodgy ref), or Uruguay (people say dark horse, but they have won it more times than England!), but what I can predict is I will have a good time anyway. Thank God for beer and football!)

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The Rumjacks. An Irish Pub Song

The Rumjacks. An Irish Pub Song with lyrics

The Rumjacks – An Irish Pub Song with lyrics

Top song from an excellent Celtic punk band

The Rumjacks are a Celtic punk band originally formed in Sydney, Australia in 2008. Known for their loud and energetic live shows, the band has released five studio albums, two live albums, and a series of EPs and singles. 

One of the band’s best-known songs, “An Irish Pub Song”, became a viral hit and has earned just under 90 million views on YouTube.

Scroll down past video – The Rumjacks – An Irish Pub Song – for the lyrics

There’s a county map to go on the wall,
A hurling stick & a shinty ball,
The bric, the brac, the craic & all,
Lets call it an Irish pub,
Caffreys, Harp, Kilkenny on tap,
The Guinness pie & that cabbage crap,
The ideal wannabee Paddy trap,
We’ll call it an Irish pub,

Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I swear upon the holy book,
The only ‘craic’ you’ll get is a slap in the ear,
Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I’ll up & burst yer filthy mug,
If you draw one more shamrock in me beer!

We’ll raise the price o’ beer a dollar,
We’ll make em wear a shirt & collar,
We’ll fly a bloody tri-colour,
And call it an Irish pub,
Jager bombs & double shots,
The underagers think its tops,
We’ll spike the drinks & pay the cops,
We got us an Irish pub.

The quick one in the filthy bog,
The partin’ glass across the lug,
O’ the lady-O, the dirty dog,
We got us an Irish pub,
It’s over to me and over to you,
We’ll skip along the Avenue,
And who t’hell is Ronnie Drew?
We got us an Irish pub.

Plasma screens & neon lights,
Kara-farkin-oke nights,
The bouncers they can pick the fights,
We’ll call it an Irish pub,
Plastic cups, a polished floor,
We’ll hose the blood right out the door,
And let the knucklers back for more,
We got us an Irish pub,

Oh top o’ the mornin’, Garryowen,
Kiss me I’m Irish, Molly Malone,
Failte, Slainte, Pog ma thon,
We got us an Irish pub,
Spike the punch & strip the willow,
Strike me up the rakes o’ Mallow,
The Liffey never ran so shallow,
We got us an Irish pub.

Just buy their album. NOW!

website: The Rumjacks

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No Alcohol!

The Evils of Alcohol and The Non-Believers!

The Evils of Alcohol and The Non-Believers!

Religious freaks who go on about the evils of alcohol, drinking, and other “fun” activities like sex, drugs, and gambling give me a right old pain. It’s fine if that’s what they want to believe and they are perfectly entitled to hold that view. However, it becomes an ache when they try to enforce their beliefs on anyone else.

The evils of alcohol

Recently, British courts tried some fanatical Muslim men for attempting to enforce Sharia law in East London. They stopped homosexuals from holding hands and attacked people drinking outside bars—absolute fruitcakes. Their behavior just shows how bored out of their skulls they are; seeing anyone having a good time really gets on their nerves. Clearly, they can’t find any solace in their shitty religion to comfort them. I’ve walked around that part of London many times, sometimes pissed as a fart. I only wish they had bumped into me—I would have had a good right old laugh at them!

But of course, it’s not just Islam that frowns upon drinking. Similarly, many Christian types also love to have a right old barney about the evils of alcohol. For example, there’s a group called the “Drunken Glory” movement, which is on the rise in the USA. Essentially, they get inebriated and high off the Holy Spirit. Check out the link below. Jesus H. Christ, that’s mad. However, no matter how hard they try, they still come across as a bunch of boring bastards with nothing much to say. In the end, I bet a lot of them are just missing a good pint.

Bitter

Another group of people who piss me off are the ex-drinkers who endlessly whine about their time in rehab and their ritual of AA meetings, especially the Betty Ford types. They are cultish, moaning and complaining all the time—like Roy Keane, who just stays bitter… ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Look, you lost the game, you couldn’t control your drinking habit, and that’s fine—not everyone can. But please, stop going on about it, and enough with all the books about your “time in rehab.” No one cares. Frankly, I often wonder what they actually did to end up in rehab. I mean, you have someone like Daniel Radcliffe (nice guy and all) or Ben Affleck or whoever, some celebrity who probably had one or two rough nights and couldn’t hack it. Poor creatures! But, for God’s sake, it’s not like we’re talking about Keith Moon here, so spare us the dramatics.

Anyway, rant over. Just leave me to enjoy my drinking in peace.

Sources:

‘Muslim Patrol’ 

‘Weird’ preacher starts ‘drunken glory’ cult 

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Some quick rules and pointers for drinking in the bar.

My top rules for drinking

My top rules for drinking

Drinking rules for the discernible drinker, can be taken seriously, or not! 

1) If want to play with the big boys please try and drink your shots straight and neat. There is nothing worse than seeing someone mixing coke with a perfectly good whiskey, or putting orange into decent Russian vodka. STOP THAT! If you can’t handle the taste then don’t drink it, just drink the coke instead. If you want to get smashed then just take some cider and some pills. The only thing, and I mean the only thing, would be a small dash of water with a whiskey, as that’s good for the taste and alcohol content.

2) Sometimes it pays to drink in preparation for drinking. Going out these days is bloody expensive. I prefer a cheap wine and about 4 beers; it’s a great combo in prep for the pub later.  No harm with this, as it can cost and arm and a leg to spend the whole night drinking in a bar so if already in the “zone” before you walk into the bar you can save a lot of quid!

3) If a bird is still ugly after about 7 pints then give up, she isn’t going to look any better, and will be hard to displace in the morning when you have your hangover.

4) Drinking games are for mugs and people who don’t know how to drink, or Americans.  The whole purpose of drinking in a bar is to drink alcohol and have a good time, not to play silly games that restrict your drinking. Can never understand them, surely a punishment for not doing well in a drinking game is to not drink!

5) Always stick about in a bar or club or just around outside, till the very end, as that’s more than likely when the real shit starts.  So many good sessions I have drunk in have started when most people go home. There is always someone up for more fun, ALWAYS.

6) If you sense you did something dodgy the night before then I strongly recommend to try not knowing about the full gory details as no good will come of this. Alcohol the day after is a depressing place to be, and hearing what you got on the night will just make you more pissed off. Better to ignore it, and after a week any shit you did should be forgotten or in the annals of bar folklore. Can always deny any story, or, better, blame it on someone else!

7) Best and only hangover cure is….more drink! If desperate could have some cocktails (yes I know they are mixes but still!!). I am usually back to normal after the 3rd or 4th drink, then I am buzzing again, simples!

8) Don’t be a beer snob. All beer has its own strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it can be good to have a light beer, like fosters or Budweiser, if relaxing. Nothing wrong with that at all. Can’t all have access, either, to great Belgian or German beers, sometimes we just have to drink what’s available.

9) No woman or non drinker will ever care about your beer stories; in fact they will be frowned upon. Good beer stories should stay in the bar. What sounds hilarious in the bar NEVER sounds good in the real world.

10) NEVER turn down a free drink or on offer to go to the bar. Are you freaking crazy, life is to short for that craic, what else would you be doing? Hoovering?

11) A hard one, but try not to eat when you are finished drinking. Near impossible I know, but the food is just lying there on top of all your nights drinking and will lie there all night just floating around in your stomach. Also the toilet the next day will be like a bomb site. Just go to bed quickly and have a nice fry up in the morning.

12) Don’t count your drinks. Shouldn’t be a problem really to most but its kind of strange if you do. Why would you even try, its not a competition.

13) If you owe someone money its always a good idea to repay them in the bar. They should instantly buy you a beer at the minimum, if not then they are cunts!

14) Toasting when downing shots is basic good manners. I also like to toast the first Guinness or decent beer when starting a long session

15) It is ok to drink alone, an oldie but perfectly fine. Might look edgy after all, and if you are there long enough you will meet other like minded people soon enough, if you want!

16) If bored in certain company in a bar just leave. You will look mysterious and cool, and can build up a mystifying persona. No point just dragging out a boring night when there are so many other bars and clubs that you could be in having the great time.

17) If you had a fierce argument with bar staff always try to apologise as soon as possible. They are the gate keepers, you don’t want to make them pissed off, and you don’t want to get a bad reputation.

So these are my drinking rules……drinking rules that you can either take it or leave it…….enjoy! 

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Irish themed bars

Why Irish themed bars are always shite

Why Irish themed bars are always shite and should be avoided like the plague

irish barsGod I hate Irish themed bars, they are generally soul-less places, tat everywhere, and ran by people who have no idea about class or Irish culture. There are no Irish themed bars in Ireland so why are they so fucking popular!!!  It’s the mcdonaldisation or starbucking of the bar world.

What is this Orishness that one can see in these bars – bicycles hanging from the rafters, turf in the fire, Guinness memorabilia, ancient books on shelves, shamrocks and Sheleighs on the wall, and old pictures of Ireland back in the day are everywhere? All this is a plague.

A good marker for me is if it’s called an Irish pub then it’s not an Irish pub. Or if it has a real tacky name (see above photo), or pseudo – Irish name then it’s a big no no. Have you ever seen those god damn awful Irish themed bars in London, “O’ Neills”, Christ on a bike they are woeful places to be. Just because you stick up a poster of “Irish doorways” or “Pubs of Ireland” doesn’t mean I have the urge to drink in your establishment. Fuck off!

First off, why the Irish? Well Ireland has a big reputation for drinking and alcohol – Guinness, whiskey, good sessions, the craic and all that, and deservedly so. We have the St. Patrick’s day thing as well and, of course, the Irish music, which helps.

A real Irish pub, when it’s on form, stands as one of the best places to be when the music plays, the drink flows, and the conversations enliven. Basically, they resemble any other pub, with normal names, selling normal beer, where normal people drink. So what makes them Irish then? Mostly, it’s the clientele. On pretty much any night, a good session could happen—musicians might crop up from anywhere, no set list, nothing planned. You go with the flow, no one needs to prove how Irish they are—they just are, that’s it. The atmosphere feels informal and friendly, and the people running them remain genuine.

Now, a lot of Irish people run Irish-themed bars abroad, often with Irish staff, catering to the ex-pat community. Many of the original ones that first appeared provided decent places to drink. To be fair, the Irish do play the Paddywhackery card as well, when it suits (Jesus, just look at any Irish person who ever worked for the BBC). They play the “Orishness” to a tee sometimes, but at least keep it in check most of the time or to a bare minimum.

But then it got out of hand, and every new bar in town turned into an “Oirish” bar—people just took the Mick (literally!). They know it’s a joke, or at least they should admit it. These bars cater to tourists, light or casual drinkers, hipsters, and wankers. Too afraid to head downtown to the edgier part of town or drink with real people where there might be some real atmosphere, they prefer to drink in an “Oirish” bar. Well, it’s a safe choice; you know what to expect, and no one will shout at or molest you!

And don’t forget the food—ha ha—fish and chips, loads of potatoes, and an Irish breakfast. Ha, don’t make me puke. When I was a nipper, bars only offered a bag of crisps and maybe some hang sandwiches!

an Irish breakfast

an Irish breakfast

I prefer the good old Irish bars of yesteryear—dark, brooding places with a hint of dodginess. An air of aggression lingered, with horse racing non-stop on the TV and old men ranting away in the corner. No blaring music, just the Dubliners on an endless loop. And when a certain hour hit, the madness began—but when exactly? As for the toilets? Ha, best not go there!

pub toilet

pub toilet

So what can we do about it all then? Well don’t frequent these places. If it screams Orishness then don’t go in! Please! Enough decent bars all over the world are dying due to this infestation of Paddywhackery.

And will someone please tell the yanks to stop calling it St Patty’s day!!!!!!

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The perfect bar man?

The perfect bar man (or woman)?

The perfect bar man (or woman)?

 

As a patron of many bars, the bar man (or woman) is quite an important person in the pursuit of getting drunk. So what do we look for in the attributes of a good bar person?

They should be fast enough in getting you your drink, I mean you don’t want to be waiting a long time for a drink, especially a first drink.

Personality doesn’t really matter, as long as the person isn’t a complete cunt. Doesn’t even have to say a whole lot. Actually the best bar staff are the ones who say very little and hover around the bar. You are the one who is drinking, so you are the one who is doing the talking, and you can never hear what they are saying in any case. As long as the bar man is friendly, has some basic chit chat about football, the weather, how all politicians are wankers, and the weather, that’s really all you need to hear from him.

How they look isn’t really important. Sometimes the  towel over the shoulder look is cool, but no one really cares as long as the drink is pouring on time and regular.

Good bar staff are the ones who don’t shuttle you out the door once closing time is up. They should give you time to finish your drink. I hate when some get snotty about it. Fuck off, no one is forcing you to work as bar staff, so shut the hell up. The best bar staff are the ones who lock the door and let you continue long into the night. They are far and few between but I have met them!

Having a good memory is good. Nothing better than walking into a bar and giving him the special code, he already pouring your regular drink, “the usual”, while you take your seat. That’s a skill from a top barman, and a special, almost loving, relationship that takes a while to develop.

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